Joy

Somethings.. I honestly think I forget how to have fun…

I was listening to this older woman talk in the hub today.. and she was saying about how the youth take things for grantid. They do not realize how things are just deteriorating right before their eyes.. How every moment is passing… and they are so caught up in unimportant things. She says how she misses her youth.. I think I take advantage of my youth.. I act like a fifty year old woman.. I don’t enjoy myself.. I forget how to have fun. I am stuck trying to be mature and grown up- that I forget when its time to relax. I don’t know how to gauge when to stop studying. If it were up to be  I would do it all night. What kind of life is that?…

I was jealous today of Sarah. I was eating lunch with her.. and she was talking about all of the things she does. She is involved in so many things- she is enjoying her college experience. I just feel like I will not achieve my dreams if I dont stay focused… but a big part of me wants to be in clubs.. do things.. have fun.. go places.. see things… ugh.. I’m just talking in circles.

She asked me today what other girls I hung out with.. and I got really sad and didn’t know what to say.. I don’t make an effort to hang out with my bible study girls.. or other girls.. Is my life really that busy that I can’t make relationships or friends… is a jam packed life full of study study studying really worth it? In the end it hopefully will be..

But what if it isn’t… what if I finish all 10 years of my schooling an I am not satisfied.

You are supposed to make the best of your situation.. and I think i am a pretty happy person. I just sometimes miss me.. I miss who I am.. the joyful-laughing person that I am… I’m so dry and boring and frustrated with school. where did I go? I don’t want to wake up four years later and wonder what I did in college…

later days

Knowing

And you know the truth

 

and the truth shall set you free

 

 

John 8:32

Mine

Cause hes my baber~ Hes my babe!

Blessed

Sometimes… I don’t truley sit back and appreciate my life..

I can’t explain how wonderful it is… I am happy- very happy… if we compared this year to last year– astronomically happy.

I don’t show it at times. Sometimes I let the stress of school get me down.. but I was thinking today..

When I am myself- (in my prime- goofy/loving/happy) I feel like god is smiling down on me and thinking “thats the girl I created”. I was made to be this person– not a distraught/stressed person. I let little things get to me.. when I should be grateful for how blessed I am.

I have a wonderful family, amazing parents, the best boyfriend in the entire world– whom I don’t treat right at times… I don’t know how he tolerates it. I can be so completely rude and undeserving of him. It saddens me to think about it. Thats why I get so afraid that he will go somewhere… because he can get 10x better in a heartbeat… regardless I am blessed to have him. my baber.

I have a wonderful home, a crazy but adorable kitty, supportive brothers… things are good. I don’t cry at night or in the shower like last year… I was so unhappy with my living situation.. my friends.. I missed home…. but now…. I smile, dance.. laugh.. despite times of stress because of school- I just love… Ben has helped me change alot

I guess you know when things in your life need to be changed.. and I made those changes.. and here I am now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My relationship with god is steadly improving. Its no where close to senior year of high school/freshman year.. but I will get there again. in time.. Things take time… relationships take time.. God will never forsake you or leave you. He is always there with open arms waiting to accept you back.

I always picture it this way… its silly

Okay picture…. Star Wars… .and the hut in the desert where annikan lived.. it was made out of dirt and clay.. well.. Jesus is sitting at a table in this house- the sun is setting and the sky is a golden orange. He comes out of the house looking towards the horizon… He is searching for something he knows very well. He sees it in the distance and smiles. It goes away and he doesn’t look puzzled or saddened. He smiles. He waits. He waits for the day that I come.. and walk towards the hut. I walk towards the hut- run towards the hut.. and we hug… then we go inside and sit at the table… and talk for hours and hours.. sometimes I get up and leave the hut and am gone for a very long time.. but he remains there at the table.. awaiting my return with open arms… never giving up hope that I will someday come back to him.

 

Later Days

Sometimes I am undeserving of the greatest gift I have in this world.

Others

But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

Luke 6:35

I just love him~

okay!

The Way

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

-Isaiah 30:21

La–da

Junior year has been a new adjustment. . . and yet.. its far better then sophomore and freshman year…

Lets face it though.. anything is better than freshman year~ the awkwardness– trying to make friends.. missing home

I’d have to say I’m over missing home… it comes and goes.. mainly goes

I’d have to say.. that this year is difficult.. its challenging and frustrating. I have less classes and more work… its not too great… ….. and then i feel like these are the times I need to work the hardest and not give up– I get so intimidated by medical school…. thinking it will be exactly like Neurobiology and that I’ll hate it… I just want to help people… why does the process have to be so rigorous. I know I want to go to Medical school- and yet I make up all of these alterior options in my mind just to make myself feel better- and protect myself from potential rejection.

I have the best boyfriend… he is patient and loving.. and god only knows how he puts up with me. I am difficult and challenging.. and very hard to deal with at times. I don’t understand why the heck he is crazy about me… I shouldn’t question it though– because to me its perfect.

He is so handsome.. and yet he doesn’t see it. Maybe that is good… because modesty and humbleness is a good quality. Maybe one of his best~    i love him..

Who else would wait with you for hours at the hospital, or at the health center, or drive you places, take you grocery shopping, take care of you when your sick.. make sure your always happy… be patient when teaching you to drive (regardless of the fact that you should have gotten your license when you were SIXTEEN… blah ha.. or get fish with you.. take you to see puppies… cuddle with you like your the best thing in the entire world.. listen to you intently… help you when your having trouble at school.. smile at you.. with a smile that makes you melt

 

Love.

 

Sleepy

Later days~

I really don’t appreciate him enough– I don’t recognize how vast his love is for me… I hope he knows that I do pay attention to everything

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

Revelations 3:20